How Boundaries Shift Our Relationship Systems

Boundaries: a word that gets tossed around a lot these days on social media and in our cultural pop psychology. We love a good boundary...or at least, some of us do. But I often hear people (in the counseling office and outside of it) misunderstanding what boundaries are and being dismayed at the reaction to their boundary-setting.

What is a Boundary?

Put simply, a proper boundary is communication of what you will do, rather than what someone else must do. Example: "You can't talk to me in that way" is not a boundary. "I will leave if I am spoken to in that way" is a boundary. I've experienced the confusion and frustration of clients who say "I put up a boundary but they are not keeping it." Correct. A boundary is needed expressly because others cannot be controlled. You must be the one to keep the boundary that you set.

What is a System?

We all exist within what therapists call "systems." That is to say, an ecosystem of functional relationships. When I do X, you do Y. When you do Y, I do Z. And so on and so forth. We relate to one another with certain rules of engagement that come from our understanding of human nature, family relationships, friendship, worldview, financial status, etc. which are the ingredients that make up who we are as people and how we experience the world. While people tend to evaluate systems as "healthy" vs. "unhealthy", that's really a bit too narrow, too binary. What's more accurate is functional vs. dysfunctional. In therapy we don't seek to "fix" a relationship or a family system, because that would imply there is one right way for a system to be. Each system functions a certain way, if you can imagine each member acting as a cog in a machine that has adapted to run together. When one part of that system shifts - one of the cogs decides to behave differently - the whole system is forced to shift to accommodate the change.

A Shift in the System

Boundaries are one way to shift a system. For example, imagine that you exist in an enmeshed family or a codependent relationship where you are being taken advantage of, and at some point you may decide that you don't want to live that way anymore. The pain or frustration may drive you to therapy or a book or a self-help seminar, where you learn to set boundaries and also to enforce them. You are introducing a "stop" in the system that is used to humming away in its codependent way. It's like throwing a monkey wrench into the machine. Everything comes to a grinding halt, with much clattering and protest and discomfort. And if you continue to enforce your newer, healthier boundaries, the system is forced to shift to adapt to the change of one of its components. One possible outcome is that the whole system begins to function differently and ultimately in a more connected, open way. The other outcome is that you can no longer exist in the system and you part ways.

Expect Opposition to Change

This process can be painful and jarring for you and for your system. It takes support, lots of it, to continue creating healthy boundaries for yourself and learning to stand by them. Expect the people around you to feel discomfort around new boundaries. Expect yourself to feel discomfort in your new rules of engagement. It's part of the process of growth, and something that we can work on together if that's what you need. Reach out today to start setting and keeping better boundaries so that ultimately you can flourish and thrive in a healthier system of relationships.